I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
