Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
