i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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