i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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