I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
