I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
