uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
