Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
