I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
