is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
