My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
