Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
