All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
