Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
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He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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