CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
