get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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