You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
