I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
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