My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
