I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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