Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
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Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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