I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
