I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
