I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
