I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
don't judge my taste in strippers
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
