Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
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Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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