No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
