I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
