After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
