everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
