she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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