One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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