I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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