Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
