sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
