I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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