Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
