Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
