Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
