probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
