between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
