Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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