I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
