Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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