Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
