I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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