I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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