There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
