I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
