I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
