the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
