apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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