The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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