There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
