In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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