Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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