I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
