I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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