I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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