Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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