WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
