Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
