Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
